Have you ever wondered why you selected the person that you did to be your significant other or spouse? Did you create the list of all of the qualities that you wanted and go after that person? Or did you decide that the person that found you or came across your path was just the right one without having to put a lot of effort into analyzing if it would work or not? Did you end up selecting someone just like your mom or dad without even intending to?

I often hear women say that they married someone just like their dad and men say they married someone just like their mom. Maybe you have said that many times to yourself or maybe in the midst of a lovers spat you have used that as a dig toward your spouse. You most likely didn’t go into marriage determined to select someone just like your mom or dad. But at this point of the reading you are probably realizing some similarities.

Let’s look at this selection process from a little different perspective. I believe that in our search for the right one, we select someone that most represents the parent that we have the most unfinished business with. What!?! Yes. As if we are out to conquer some sort of unconscious battle. Take a moment to think about which parent that you have the most emotional baggage with. I believe that you are subconsciously drawn to a person who will provide you with the opportunity to heal your unresolved childhood wounds. When we are on the search for a potential spouse we go for those traits that most attract us. I’m going to suggest that it is not the person’s most appealing qualities that bring us to a decision for “the one”. It is actually his or her negative traits that attract us. I’m not talking about the negative traits like someone who never picks up after themselves or squeezes the toothpaste from the top on a full tube of toothpaste, although those could be included. I’m talking about the traits that trigger issues from your past and represent an opportunity to be able to conquer that issue. Over our years of development through childhood and early adolescence, we create a psychological imprint of what our collective emotional experience represents. When we find someone who mirrors those traits, we are drawn to them in subconscious hopes that we will be free of what has held us back.

4 Comments
  1. Very interesting perspective Bryan!  Heidi and I will now have a new debate between us!

  2. It will definitely gives you some things to ponder. thanks for posting…

  3. Wow. Okay. I’m going to have to think about this one – might take me a bit to process it all in my head, but a very interesting perspective. Thank you!

  4. You bet Nichole, thanks for taking the time to read the post. Let me know what you come up with!